A little more info on what brought me to the point where I decided I would share my poetry

I will not speak of the reasons why I had such an up and down day I thought to myself, I will just put up how I felt and how I dealt with those feelings. However a little background is needed so I am blogging this as I wrote it for that reason.

Saturday 12/11/11
Today was an up and down day. I spent a lot of hours in nature, first with Josh walking the headland early in the morning, then with my daughter on the beach mid-afternoon and then, when the feelings of loss and grief were almost overwhelming, I took Josh and drove the car to the Jetty. We walked in the wind along the pier as the lightning lit the night sky with a stunning array of white and lilac laser lights .. the stormy feel in the air, the darkening clouds and the passion of the fiery lightning bolts running through it matched the dark passions roiling within and somehow because of this, lightening my mood. Though the atmosphere was stormy, surprisingly the ocean was gentle.. small waves gently lapping the edges of the beach gave me a feeling of being ever so gently embraced by Mother Nature.. how we need her now.

Her compassion and depth of wisdom, her unconditional love and nurturing.. why has it taken this for us to realise that when we live apart our souls die.. or at least wither until they are almost unrecognisable to that which flashed into being as we were flushed from the womb in this physical shell.

I laughed and blushed simultaneously as I slipped on a slice of lemon carelessly left by someone who had partaken of a fish and chips dinner earlier in this place.. the grin because I could see in my mind’s eye how comical I must have looked as my foot skidded out from beneath me, embarrassed by my bowels deciding to let go of unreleased fumes I had no idea I was holding and so very relieved that I didn’t fall; nor was there anyone close other than Josh to witness my less than graceful reaction  We laughed together as we walked the length of the pier. As we passed others they seemed to look at us quizzically and I could see their minds ticking over as they tried to work out if I was drunk or just nuts.

Eventually it was time to come back home. I got some much needed petrol on the way and tried valiantly to hang onto the carefree mood I had found when on that pier. Sadly, it wasn’t to be and I realise I have to mourn what might have been or I will never move forward and find what is meant to be for me.

I did not manage to fall asleep till around 2am the next morning, having allowed myself a secret cry though I had to be careful not to let Josh hear for he would have hurt for me. He is but a child still and doesn”t need to know of such things.