back home thankfully….

Ahh we often must venture out of our comfort zone, take the bull by the horns and despite our doubts charge into a shadowy situation with a lamp in our hands to shine the light on a troubling situation. This last week has been a mixture of good company and an unexpected lesson that has once and for all cleared the way to moving forward.
Though it has not been my intention to delve as deeply as I have into a certain situation, its relentless pulling on my consciousness demanded I do it regardless of the inner knowing that screamed at me that it could never work. Most of my life I have let others decide for me who I am and how worthy I am as a woman, a mother, a partner and a daughter. By venturing back into an old and painfully familiar relationship, I believe I have finally come to the end of the crooked road my heart has been travelling on and am now on my way to a more harmonious and nurturing life.

I know there are many women out there who have lurched from one destructive man/relationship to another most, if not all their lives and so will nod their heads in empathy as they read my words.

This time though I came out the victor; not necessarily over the man so much as over that broken, pain-filled woman/child who had been seeking her beauty and worth as a partner through the eyes of others. This time I stood proud and showed this person not only who I am but that I have no need of his approval to love the person that I have evolved into. I believe I am just becoming who I have always been but without the illusions of what I must be in order to be considered worthy. I now believe that it is only when one soul meets another of like texture, colour and shine that a union that is truly worthwhile can be celebrated. This goes for all relationships and not just the romantic/sexual ones we all seem to place our sense of self worth on.

It is not just a woman’s malaise either. Many men suffer from this also and that is often why they choose a certain type of woman .. oh and often a certain age LOL, most especially as they grow older. Society and its mores has much to answer for, as do those of us who continually allow ourselves to be seduced by such impossible and inhuman standards.

I have discovered that I cannot sell my own sense of honour and code of living for a so called relationship and as I did so, the blinders came off in a whoosh! This man who I unconsciously felt must love me to prove I was worthy of it, is not only an emotional abuser much like my husband was, but unlike my husband he also regularly abuses his dog! That for me is unconscionable and in the week I was around his vicinity, his beautiful but timid collie curled herself around or behind me every chance she could, allowing me to brush her unlike her reaction to her owner’s attentions. She wet herself often and actually shivered in fright on the last morning before I left.

I was totally horrified and knew that there was only one explanation… I had been told by him before he had belted her with a riding crop and once I had actually witnessed him hit her hard enough to dislodge a great tuft of her fur! Nope, I am worth so much more than such as this creature and this time when I left him behind it was with a happy dance and a sense of being let out of a prison. My own making, not his …. its been a very big week and has had many funny incidents while catching planes, which I will blog about later. I just wanted to blog about this because of an email I got through last week. I believe each of us who have been through abuse, whether it is physical or emotional need to let the world know in some way when we rise victorious so that those still struggling can see it; somewhere some suffering soul will take fire and fly free! Blessed Be